Lack of Sexual Confidence

I’ve been having conversations with clients, particularly male clients about thier lack of sexual sonfidence and felt inspired to share some thoughts around these conversations.

Many men come to work with me because they lack sexual confidence.  This most often (but not always) manifests as concerns about gaining and maintaining an erection (sometimes called erectile dysfunction) and/or the timing of ejaculation (sometimes called premature ejaculation).
Many men tell me they want to feel control over these processes so they can take their time to satisfy their partner – thus be a good lover.

Often my clients want to learn techniques and I do teach such things – because they can be helpful but technique alone won’t change your confidence, in fact it can make things worse.  If you hide behind technique you won’t be able to truly engage with your partner in connected and rewarding sex.

So here is the big thing to know, being sexual aroused is an inherently vulnerable thing.  Really good sexual pleasure opens us up and connects us to our deepest longings – naturally it’s a vulnerable feeling.  This is also what makes it life affirming, transcendent, transformational, and even spiritual.

If we’ve had our confidence knocked or been shamed about out sexuality in the past – and let’s face that’s not uncommon in a society that still carries so much shame around sex – the feelings can be immensely uncomfortable and feel impossible to overome.

I believe that is where the real support I offer is of value.  During ‘playful learning about techniques’ I give you a safe and nurturing space to explore your sexual pleasure.  Your vulnerability is welcomed.  It’s ok to get things wrong, to experiment, to laugh!

As you become more comfortable with exploring pleasure, learning about what turns you on, what changes your arousal, finding your language to talk about these things, shame and fear can lift and the noble sexual being that you are can emerge.

For women:  When having sex with women, many men spend energy and focus on maintaining an erection for the ‘correct amount of time’ because they want to please you and not let you down. I say this becuase when I work 1-1 with women I’ve come to realise many have no idea this is even an issue for men.